Exhausted — A Mind That Doesn’t Rest
A constant stream of emotions, ruminations, ideas, fears, running through my mind. A mind that does not seem to rest.
Lately, I have been doing more than my usual iteration of commiserating and over-analyzing life. My morning routines of working out and taking my dog for a long walk which are meant to provide calm and set a foundation for the day, do not seem to be adequate. It has been difficult to stay in the moment. I have allowed myself to veer off that course. The desire to just be, is proving much too arduous right now. I am exhausted.
So much of what I’m feeling seems based upon reactive responses to the current environment as opposed to proactive. The barrage of uncertainty in the world is proving even too much for my normally adaptive and flexible self.
I want desperately to sit in the moment and reflect, but once I feel even a slight bit of stability, a sudden slap from a news broadcast. A desperate call from my daughter. A hateful social media post. A indignant look or auditory statement on the street. A conversation with a friend that makes me contemplate the serious injustice that surround us. The continual inhumane treatment of people. A virus that knows no bounds. Leaders living a fantasy. It all seems too much to bare.
There is only so much an individual can withstand without filling with a sense of rage. I have felt a lot of rage, lately. Feelings of anger have always been with me, lurking deep within my soul. Remnants of the past. That anger sees the light of day when my subconscious decides its time to reveal it on a canvas. Or when I take it out on inanimate objects. Or those times when I verbally lash out at myself or a loved one. It is exhausting.
The rage I feel has nothing to do with bitterness. Victimhood is not my style. But it has everything to do with total exasperation. Currently, my rage is erupting, bubbling up to the surface. Manifesting itself in all kinds of ways. Weak, pessimistic? Possibly. But my wiser self prefers to view it as potential for growth despite how awful I feel inside along with the negative aura of energy I am manifesting. Exhausted.
Rage is unhealthy when it sits idle in the mind and body. The hamster wheel turns relentlessly. Resolutions seem futile. Old behaviors return with a vengeance. The rage that comes to the surface can either be met with indignation or intent. In any case, it’s reveal is necessary.
Living In It
Of course, there are things I can personally do to minimize the external and disruptive noise that envelope and render me exhausted. I could stop watching the news, avoid social media, not talk with friends, cut myself off from my daughter’s drama, lock myself in my studio and just create art.
Problem is, I know that part of being an artist, for me, is living in the world. I cannot, NOT be in it. The work I create thrives on my daily experiences and my responses. It matters not whether they are local to me or universal. I feel them and they must be expressed.
Part of my exasperation is that I know not everyone has outlets or the resources in which to express what they are going through. Many are in survival mode, functioning day to day, sometimes hour by hour. This is certainly not a new phenomenon, but it has expanded exponentially in recent months and will not dissipate anytime soon. I feel a sense of overwhelm regarding the fate of others that I have not felt before. I am exhausted.
Transitioning My Rage
Having struggled with my emotional well being for years, putting on a brave face has been my modus operandi. But if the mind is not healthy, it will manifest within the body via dis-ease, illness, aches and pains. If the body is not healthy, it will lead to behaviors that spawn depression, anxiety, compulsive tendencies. That brave face can only mask reality so long before something explodes.
Luckily, I am aware that my mind needs some tending. Because in its current overly active and compulsive state it is sending me to the brink of being totally exhausted. To the point of no longer feeling much joy in anything I do, not even creating art.
Therein lies the transition that appears to be taking place. The pause in the world has led me to face the internal rage that exhausts me and is literally forcing me to meet it face to face. I have been here numerous times before, but this time is different, more intense, more dire. My well-being is at stake.
My desire to learn and do are more plentiful than ever. I have a plethora of ideas swirling in my head and can’t seem to get enough of what is available to absorb. Then a global and national crisis ascends upon us all and the pause button rings abruptly.
I have cursed this universal rest period and will continue to do so. It is partially responsible for my rage. Putting a damper on my energy, my desire to learn and do. But, I am keenly aware now of what needs tending. What I value is being readjusted.
Breath in what I want and let go of the rest. Be present. Don’t have to take it all in. What is truly desired will rise to the surface.
Image — Extricating the Psyche
“ Extricating the Psyche”, acrylic on canvas was chosen for this post because it represents in vivid color, shapes and movement, what the energy of the psyche looks and feels like when released from within. That release can be exhausting and sometimes painful, but it is powerful and vital for growth. Michelle Lindblom Studio
Originally published at https://michellelindblom.com on July 11, 2020.