Floundering In Motherhood

A Bittersweet Evolution

Michelle Lindblom

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Much time was spent

floundering within the role of motherhood.

Squelching urgent desires to fade into

a traceless chasm.

Pursuing an altered state

free of emotional anguish or suffering.

The inequalities that choke

those bound to accommodate

the needs of others

became unbearably intense.

Retreating inward appeared

as the only viable option for survival.

Until the urge to erupt

was felt with a fury

endangering the soul and

splintering the heart.

A shift,

an altered rapport emerged

which transcended obligation.

It was something distinct,

rooted in experience.

A recognition that alliances

obscured but external pressures

made it impossible to feel

the genuine evolution

until time passed.

Eventually those floundering wings

began to fly.

It was bittersweet.

My daughter and her lab, Astoria, OR, 2023 — photo by Michelle Lindblom

I struggle with the role of motherhood in our culture, how it’s defined, and the underlying lack of value it garners. Children were not part of my plan before or during the early years of my marriage. My time was filled with getting an education and living in new and unfamiliar places. Not to mention, I terminated a pregnancy in my young adult life. Intense motherly instincts seemed not to be part of my DNA and motherhood was not a goal I sought to achieve.

Needless to say, my daughter was born after being married for 10 years and she was planned. When looking back, I often wonder if it was my plan or if the environment in which I lived played a significant role.

So while deep within the rollercoaster of motherhood, I questioned the decision. I have little doubt other women have been and continue to be caught in…

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