I Am NOT Old — I Am Evolving
Okay, so January has been an unpleasant month, and not just because of the weather. We got dumped on with snow and then rain which led to ice everywhere. I was confined (thus feeling a bit trapped) because I didn’t want to risk my life driving among all the “not-so-good drivers”. I’m originally from North Dakota, so I know my way around storms.
Usually, this time of year I’m inspired to clean things, discard unused items, refresh my art studio (which usually means rearranging), and do a general material reset. “Cleansing of the palate” to make room for whatever comes up in the new year.
But my state of mind needs more than a surface treatment. This feeling of dread, not sleeping solidly, and doing way too much worrying has caught me off guard.
Speaking of worry, I love the idea of going to bed and getting all cozy surrounded by my stack of pillows, only to toss and turn, never experiencing that elusive comfort and waking up at 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning from a bizarre dream or to go to the bathroom. I sleepily rise and return in the hopes I’ll fall back to sleep. Unfortunately, my mind says, no, you’ve got to worry about some things first. Let’s see what’s on the docket for you this early am.
Most of the worry is about future things that, frankly, I have little control over.
Just one example, my daughter is moving from LA to Portland. I am elated that she will be closer to us but not looking forward to the actual moving of a small household. I’ve moved her many times since 2015, and thankfully she’s been in the same LA apartment for 2 1/2 years.
But I still wish we could transport it all with a snap of our fingers. Instead, I worry about dumb things like where to park the trailer so we can load her precious cargo. She lives in a gated apartment complex where parking is at a premium for cars let alone a truck and trailer. Visualizations of the whole affair clog my otherwise creative mind.
Yes, visualization is creative and can be helpful, but not in this context.
What I’m attempting to do is solve a problem that does not yet exist. I do this all the time. Wonder how many hours of my life are wasted…